Thursday, 8 October 2009

DJs, Premature Ejaculation + Sting...

The following is some important information about premature ejaculation:

As most people reading this blog will realize, this is a BAD thing because just as you and your partner start to get going, you blow your load and its all over (all over her legs, all over your bed or all over your trousers if its REALLY premature...). Your partner will say"Oh its ok, it happens to most guys, I am sure its just a one off" but secretly she will think you are pathetic and she will be off home to dry hump her tumble dryer before the wet patch has dried...


Maybe if you can get your erection back...

"YAY Success! Lets try it ag... (spurt) Oh crap... There I go again..."

Now you could keep doing this over and over again, but no matter how many times you spunk up, you are NOT actually having sex.

By this point I imagine you may wonder where I am going with this?

Well every week I play in clubs and I see the same thing. I step up to the decks and play my intro and suddenly I am bombarded with mobile phone screens asking me to play "What The Fuck" or "Man With The Red Face". I usually make a kind of rolling forwards hand gesture to signify 'Later' but sure enough, one song in it begins again.... Now I am fully aware that you people like these records. I do too, and I know you want to hear them. However...

This is Sting...

Now can anyone tell me something interesting about Mr. Sting here? Well let me help you out. Sting has allegedly mastered the art of tantric sex. In tantric sex the most important features of sexual practice revolve around the experience of subtle energies within our sensual embodiment, and the accessing of these energies both to enhance pleasure and to challenge our egotism into its dissolution. Thus, tantric sexuality often cultivates ecstatic consciousness as well as increased spiritual awareness of the erotic consciousness that pervades one's human embodiment as well as everything that contextualizes this embodiment. It also last for a long time... a VERY long time. But ultimately the ejaculation part is far more satisfying. There fore Mr Sting here can take the same girl we mentioned earlier, finesse her, tantalize her and after a couple of earth shattering hours he can rut her like an ass crazed monkey until completion. The aforementioned girl goes away with an enormous smile on her face and the puddle that you would have left down the front of your jeans is now snaking its way up her tubes to cause her a more serious problem 9 months down the line...

Now in my mind this used to be what a DJ was all about (The longevity thing, not the knocking-up girls thing although I am pretty sure that the two went hand in hand fairly often). The DJ would step up to the decks and you as clubbers would listen to them tell their story. The story would unfurl over the next two hours or so and finally, just like a good action movie the last 30 minutes would turn into a veritable gunfight of massive tracks that would leave you walking away from the night tired, but thoroughly satisfied. The joy of hearing DJ's like John Digweed was knowing that they would finish with something like "Heaven Scent" or "King Of Snake" but waiting to see how they were going to get there, and what new future classics you would hear along the way. Its already difficult enough with most warmup DJs turning into the "Beatport Top 10 Jukebox" as soon as they get anywhere near a big gig just so they can walk away and say they "Smashed it". No you didn't smash it mate. You just spunked down the front of your skinny fit jeans umpteen times in front of a room full of people....

So let me summarize this for you all...

Before you reach for your phone think...

Every DJ has a story to tell...



  1. Great post. Good start to your blog!

  2. Can't agree more with you. Great post!

  3. Its not the start! lol

    Although I haven't been on here for that long :-)

  4. Can anyone achieve the Sting method? Yes I totally agree with you about telling a story when playing out... Now only if the rest of the club would get it!

  5. Great post mate!
    I must say I've used my phone to interact with the DJ, but never to ask for a song.. always to tell him his doing great!

  6. fucking ace post/article/sexual story/permature journalism/ dj storytelling.

    Its boring as fuck hearing the beatport top ten at any gig never mind before a big dj. Its like people have no originallity. Think outside the box, infact, re-create the box, mash it the fuck up and start again with said box. thats what dj'ing is all about. and a warm up dj should never ever smash it, its all about warming up for the main act, getting a vibe, a groove if you will. It's kinda like a gang bang, the fist dude in needs to be gentle, not just smash it all over the place. (well you starting talking about sex first adam).

    and for people who want WTF or MWTRF right away, will they really listen to the gig throughtout if they hear they two right away?

    patience is a virtue, that unfortunately, not everyone has.

  7. This is so true... Not many club experiences in the last cpl of years that have provided the "tantric" experience. It's more like yo-yo, or a roller coaster where the DJ throws in a banger every 10-15min to keep the crowd with serious ADD on the dance floor... ugh...

    Steve's right though... tough to find a crowd that understands what it is all about. Although... maybe they just need to be educated?

    Keep these kind of posts coming. Great stuff!

  8. Wow. That is so very-well put.

  9. Exactly the same thing when a club has a live band invited and the resident plays guests songs before the show or "competition" right after it (happened to me promoting Bad Boys Blue; the resident played Modern Talking right after the act)

  10. lol brilliant put!

    heard that advice a few times: warming up= dont blow your load!

  11. I agree with all of this.

    I think some of the problem comes from when every regular DJ with a rent-a-crowd in your city does the same thing- they play everyone's requests (like a human jukebox), they play the same shit that was in the charts 3-4 months ago, they play the same set they've played at every gig for the last 6 weeks.

    The crowds get used to predictability, their comfort zone shrinks, and if you play just ONE song they don't know, one fresh song you like that you want other people to hear, they clear the floor.
    (The only exception is if you're not a local DJ, then you can play whatever you want for some reason)

    You've then got the hard job of expanding their comfort zone gently, rather than just throw them totally out of it.

    Of all the gigs I've played here in Adelaide, people don't seem to care for originality and creativity. They just want to hear Show Me Love, Riverside, Warp 1.9 and We Are All Prostitutes over and over again.

  12. This is your best one so far.. Although when i came up to the part about Sting, my girfriend asked me "Are you looking at men? wtf?" hahaha..

  13. Wow absolute brilliance!

    Couldn't be anymore spot on.

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    Is this right?? Don't joke, cus if true, i'd really to work every day smelling bad :P I'd be a natural garlic bunch :P jajaja


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  18. Great post. But how does this work when the DJs have very different styles??

    For instance: An electro DJ coming on before a Deep House DJ.

    I've seen this sort of thing happen at clubs and festivals.

  19. Nice read! Very well put..