DJs, Premature Ejaculation + Sting...

The following is some important information about premature ejaculation:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premature_ejaculation

As most people reading this blog will realize, this is a BAD thing because just as you and your partner start to get going, you blow your load and its all over (all over her legs, all over your bed or all over your trousers if its REALLY premature...). Your partner will say"Oh its ok, it happens to most guys, I am sure its just a one off" but secretly she will think you are pathetic and she will be off home to dry hump her tumble dryer before the wet patch has dried...

Unless...

Maybe if you can get your erection back...

"YAY Success! Lets try it ag... (spurt) Oh crap... There I go again..."

Now you could keep doing this over and over again, but no matter how many times you spunk up, you are NOT actually having sex.

By this point I imagine you may wonder where I am going with this?

Well every week I play in clubs and I see the same thing. I step up to the decks and play my intro and suddenly I am bombarded with mobile phone screens asking me to play "What The Fuck" or "Man With The Red Face". I usually make a kind of rolling forwards hand gesture to signify 'Later' but sure enough, one song in it begins again.... Now I am fully aware that you people like these records. I do too, and I know you want to hear them. However...

This is Sting...

Now can anyone tell me something interesting about Mr. Sting here? Well let me help you out. Sting has allegedly mastered the art of tantric sex. In tantric sex the most important features of sexual practice revolve around the experience of subtle energies within our sensual embodiment, and the accessing of these energies both to enhance pleasure and to challenge our egotism into its dissolution. Thus, tantric sexuality often cultivates ecstatic consciousness as well as increased spiritual awareness of the erotic consciousness that pervades one's human embodiment as well as everything that contextualizes this embodiment. It also last for a long time... a VERY long time. But ultimately the ejaculation part is far more satisfying. There fore Mr Sting here can take the same girl we mentioned earlier, finesse her, tantalize her and after a couple of earth shattering hours he can rut her like an ass crazed monkey until completion. The aforementioned girl goes away with an enormous smile on her face and the puddle that you would have left down the front of your jeans is now snaking its way up her tubes to cause her a more serious problem 9 months down the line...

Now in my mind this used to be what a DJ was all about (The longevity thing, not the knocking-up girls thing although I am pretty sure that the two went hand in hand fairly often). The DJ would step up to the decks and you as clubbers would listen to them tell their story. The story would unfurl over the next two hours or so and finally, just like a good action movie the last 30 minutes would turn into a veritable gunfight of massive tracks that would leave you walking away from the night tired, but thoroughly satisfied. The joy of hearing DJ's like John Digweed was knowing that they would finish with something like "Heaven Scent" or "King Of Snake" but waiting to see how they were going to get there, and what new future classics you would hear along the way. Its already difficult enough with most warmup DJs turning into the "Beatport Top 10 Jukebox" as soon as they get anywhere near a big gig just so they can walk away and say they "Smashed it". No you didn't smash it mate. You just spunked down the front of your skinny fit jeans umpteen times in front of a room full of people....

So let me summarize this for you all...

Before you reach for your phone think...

Every DJ has a story to tell...

LET THEM TELL IT PLEASE!